Of Grief and Loss
by AmesLuvsTheMetallicar
Summary: Alright, what's up? Dean asked, his eyes searching his brothers' for any hint at what might be bothering him. All he found was pure anger and sorrow. Then it hit him. The date. It was the 2nd of November. The aniversary of Jessica's death.


**Title**: Of Grief and Loss.

**Author**: Amy.

**Characters**: Sam & Dean

**Warning**: Deals with some reminising of suicidal thoughts.

**Disclaimer**: Unfortunatly i don't own Sam,Dean or Supernatural. Sad isn't it?

**Summary**:"Alright, what's up?" Dean asked, his eyes searching his brothers' for any hint at what might be bothering him. All he found was pure anger and sorrow. Then it hit him. The date. It was the 2nd of November. The aniversary of Jessica's death.

Dean Winchester sat a the wheel of his beloved '67 Chevy Impala, fingers lazily tapping the cool wheel beneath his hands. This was the life. Nothing tying you down, nothing holding you back. Life was great, but even as this thought ran through his mind, he knew it wasn't true. Sure, not being tied down was great. He wasn't really into the whole 'family guy' thing anyway, but the part about not being held back? that was a lie. It had been two full months to the day since his fathers death, and still the thought that it was all his fault plagued him to no end. He knew that if it wasn't for him, his father would still be alive, in fact in a way he resented himself for not being dead. The fact that he was still alive went against every law of nature. It just wasn't natural.

He was drawn from his thoughts, by the sound of approaching footsteps on the gravel parking lot. Turning his head in the direction of the footsteps, he smiled as he saw his younger brother approaching the car, arms full of things that could only constitute as junk food;not that he cared. He could happily live on peanut M&M's and mountain dew for the rest of his life. It wasn't like he'd get fat off of them. He worked out almost every day, and with the whole paranormal butt kicking thing, well there really wasnt many of the heavenly calories left to ruin his toned physique.

"Thank god! Jeez Sammy, I thought you'd fallen in the freak'n toilet or something" Dean called as Sam pulled open the passenger door, and sat down heavily on the seat. Sam turned towards his brother, and gave him an unimpressed glare. Raising his eyebrows slightly at his brothers less than happy reaction, Dean turned back around, and backed the car out of the carpark.

"Come on Sammy, it was just a joke!" Dean said in a teasing voice. "You cant seriously STILL be mad about it?" He was meet with silence. Dean turned his head slightly and glanced at the steely face of his brother. Something else was wrong. There was no way Sam would get this pissed off, over something as small as a plastic spoon in the mouth. Letting out a deep breath, Dean pulled to the side of the deserted road, and turned to the man sitting next to him.

"Alright, what's up?" Dean asked, his eyes searching his brothers' eyes for any hint at what might be bothering him. All he found was pure anger and sorrow. Then it hit him. The date. It was the 2nd of November. The aniversary of Jessica's death. Dean cursed himself for not realising earlier. He had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts about his father, that he completly forgot about the importance of the date to his brother.

"Oh god, Sammy..." Dean didn't know what to say. The sight of the raw feelings on his brothers face left him speechless. Sam turned his head slightly and looked into his brothers eyes. "It's Sam."

Dean smiled sadly at his brothers reaction. His resentment for the nickname never failed to amuse him, and on any other occasion, he would have openly taunted him about it, but not today. He was kicking himself for not remembering the importance of the day.

Sam sighed deeply, and closed his eyes, not wanting to see the look of sympathy on his brothers' face. "Just drive, Dean" He said, not waiting for an answer before resting his forehead on the cool glass, and staring blankly out at the empty paddock they had stopped in front of. He didn't want to act like this, especially towards his brother, but today, today he just couldn't control it. His heart felt like it had been ripped from his chest, and torn ruthlessly in half. The pain was so real. He thought he had passed it. Passed the stage of grieving where all you thought about was what you had lost, but apparently not. Apparently he pain would never dissipate.

It seemed that since the moment he had opened his eyes that morning, on the anniversary of her death, the weight of all the greif he had experienced over the last year had been thrashed upon him. It was more than he could bare. He just wanted it all to end, for the pain to be over so he could get on with his life. It wasn't that he wanted to forget Jessica, or what had happened to her, but the fact that it was his fault and the guilt of knowing he could have stopped it was just getting to much. On so many occasions he had thought of ending it. He has a selection of guns, right at his fingertips. All he had to do was reach out, hold it to his head, and pull the trigger. God, he had wanted to do it so many times, but he just couldn't. He didn't deserve an end to the pain, and so he went on with his life, living his days in a monotone fashion. He put a smile on for his brother, although on some level he knew he could see right through it. He made out as though the nightmares where Jessica was burning on the ceiling, screaming out for him to save her, to stop the pure agony the flames licking at her body were causing, were nothing.

Dean spared a final glance at his brothers retreated form, before putting the car into gear, and pulling back up to the road. He didn't think Sam would ever get over Jess. Even if by some miracle he did forgive himself for what happened to her, Dean knew his brother would never get over the guilt he felt for not being able to warn her. To save her, and that was the one thing in the world that hurt him more than anything else. All of his life he had tried to shelter his brother from the kind of pain he was experiencing, and it killed him to know that now, after everything they had been through together, and everything they had done, there was nothing he could do.

**Authors Note**: Thanks alot for reading. Please review, even if its just one word...like chocolate!!! ya see that right there is a good word...it truely is...Now where was I? Oh yeah, R&R!!!!!

P.s-thanks alot to pmsdevil01 for telling me the correct date of jessicas death.


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